And Then There Were Two

Amongst friends that have had their first child, I find that there is a common question that always surprises me – should we have more? Before I had children I always thought that I would have at least two, maybe three, all things being well. I adore my sister and cannot consider life without her, so why would I want any different for my own children? Then I gave birth to my beautiful daughter and, lo!, life felt complete and why would I want to put myself through that again? And anyway, people with more than one child always seem so … stressy.

I don’t recall growing up with many friends who were only children, but then a rise of one-child families is logical. Most of us are waiting until we are older to have children, and our years of independent living make us stronger, more mature, more selfless, but also more stuck in our ways. First Child Shock Syndrome is made worse by the fact that we have spent fifteen years building up expectations. I hope that I am not the only one who spent at least three weeks crying because I had sore nipples and couldn’t work out how to tie a sling. Many of my friends are in no hurry to have more than one child and maintain some of the order and stability that they spent their twenties building up.

There is also the issue of our bodies and the fact that most of are, though not old by any means, starting to see some signs of degeneration. I am earthy enough to give birth naturally and at home, but not to wax lyrical about how wonderful it was. It is hard and takes its physical toll. The reality is though that time really is a great healer and the pain is overwhelmed by a sense of how worth it it all is, for the process of falling in love with your child is one that blows all others out of the water. The sleeplessness, the aching, the constant lack of time, and then those little hands to your face and skin as soft as air and, bham, you want it again and again - hooked. My daughter is two and I can honestly say that my love for her grows and grows so I find it hard to contain it.

Being a great fan of avoidance, when the time came for me to decide whether to have more children, or not, I just put my head in the sand. I simply didn’t do anything to prevent it and as a result I now also have a perfect son. And yes, it’s true that you really do have the capacity to love another just as much – who knew? Now my moo is nine months old and the echo of ‘never again’ has barely faded from my hallway and I am thinking – maybe one more … why? This mentality is all very understandable when applied to After-Eights, but childbirth?

I have decided that the critical moment that we must all beware of is when your youngest starts sleeping through. I have not forgotten that I never want to give birth again, but I have almost instantly forgotten the torment of sleep-deprivation. There is something in our genetic make-up that causes us to lose all reason when it comes to having children. After all, what would I do with a third? I think that I would become house-bound and slightly mad, yet I am tempted.

There are many things at work here. Can I live without the noddy head/milky smell/neck creases? Can I make a success of my work after two years of vomit and peekaboo? Will my husband still love me if we have conversations again? Will they both move to Timbuktu and leave me to grow old alone? Better have another, just in case.

There is also Jemima. When I was pregnant with my second child I was convinced that he would be a girl, which he wasn’t as you know. I named her Jemima. I am not disappointed and never will be to have my boy, but Jemima still floats around on the edges of my mind – my unwritten song.

The reality is though that I should not be thinking about my own needs at this point, but those of my children and my poor forgotten husband. I don’t mean that to sound pious, but having another child is about all of us. I only have two arms and all the love in the world doesn’t change that. Two children works – two arms, two back seats in the car, two parents, two functioning brain cells – my family is all balanced and harmonious and people still feel able to invite us to their houses. So maybe reason will win out after all and I will stick with the perfect package that I have got. Or, maybe I won’t …